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Invisible payments carry real benefits for restaurants, too. In the short term, they enable restaurants to deliver better hospitality to their guests; over time, this turns to operational efficiency with shorter turn times and increased guest security. An example: On OpenTable, users can search for a restaurant by any number of factors — name, date, location, party size, and more. A few more taps or clicks, and the guest reserves a table, receiving instant confirmation. The process is the same whether you reserve your table an hour before a meal or a month before: narrow the details of your restaurant selection, book your spot, receive instant confirmation, and view the details in your OpenTable profile.

Payments are the next logical step here.


Growing older made me feel invisible - I'd stand at the bar and no one would serve me

A new product called House Accounts lets guests pay the bill at a restaurant without worrying about cash or a credit card. The program ties guest payment information directly to the the reservation, so the diner knows the payment process is taken care of. Diners are instructed to notify waitstaff at the beginning of the meal, and the staff is educated to take care of the rest, including delivering an itemized receipt to the guest. The guest also receives a non-itemized receipt via email.

This is less of a change to service, and more of an evolution. When the logistics are gone, the focus is the experience. Admittedly, this is a hurdle for restaurants: the cadence and structure of the dining experience are ingrained in our social brains, and change is hard. Home I need help — information and support on domestic abuse What is domestic abuse? Shame, embarrassment or denial Perpetrators are often well respected or liked in their communities because they are charming and manipulative.

Useful articles and videos. The Telegraph: "Coercive control: How can you tell whether your partner is emotionally abusive? What is domestic abuse? Calling the domestic abuse helpline. Find your local service. Share this. I need help What is domestic abuse? This website uses cookies to improve your experience. Other than the fact with children, there may be more tasks to remember.

Stephanie Jan 08, Beautifully written response Andrew S. I am putting this up on my counseling site and will be guiding people to your reply. Amy Jan 08, I have to agree with Alicia on this one. If I have friends or family who are working parents with kids, I never expect them to get me a card or even remember my birthday, nor do I take offense to them forgetting. I bought you a gift because you are my friend and I wanted to do something nice, not because I wanted acknowledgement.

Why does everyone worry what everyone thinks if they get a card or not. Where is the appreciation for sending a card if you stress out about it? One of the other main stresses is thinking you have to stretch yourselves out. Simplify and live a life with less worry.

Jen Jan 08, Why are we aiming for perfect? Why do we need to appear to be on top of it ALL? I understand that connections take intention and most importantly, time. Then instead if watching oprah re-runs and facebooking all day, she can take all three vehicles in for oil changes, pick up dog and cat poop, change the air filter in the furnace, paint the house, do the taxes, mow the lawn, shovel the snow, did i mention oil changes? Just sayin yall! Melissa MC Dec 01, Get a. Grip Jason. There seems to be an unbalanced division of labour in your home.

Sorry but your comment just seemed a little too pointed with regard to this article.

Danger and fear

Alex Jan 08, Kate C Jan 08, Well his family members havent gotten a present in years. Cyndi Jan 09, Rich Jan 09, But let me ask how many of these chores are women feeling the pressure to meet the absurdly high standards put upon them by other women. Have you? I just want to suggest that too often women are feeling an artificial pressure to meet the artificial standards of other women. Sometimes these standards seem, to the outside observer, to be so high that they must actually be intended to make others fail.

What with that? TR Jan 09, Why do women feel the need to validated for everything they do? Gosh we could make dozens of list of things we are under appreciated for too but honestly, enough is enough. My wife is much better at remembering things like this, but she also channels it into her family and I am on top of mine. Beth ThatOneMom Jan 09, McLaughlin Jan 09, Christopher Donta Jan 09, I agree completely with your article, and find it interesting that this is such a widespread trend at least in our culture. It would be good to know if it is descended from a wider European phenomenon, or pan-cultural?

These are just my personal observations, but I think they are widely shared. I would put into this category being in charge of keeping up the yard and any outside needs, as well as maintenance inside the house — being the handyman to fix any issues. I acknowledge that not all men do either or both of these, but many do, and there always seems to be something needing to be done that is on our minds. I have a different answer as widowed dad after acknowledging the obvious, that there is not one answer: Simplify first. Redivide the labor as needed. The starting point for most households is two incomes to support a lot of activity and a lot of things.

When you take on all of that and layer on multiplying layers of kin keeping—it is too much. But it almost always become part of life at some point. Then there is another form of extended kin keeping which extends that care of the social network outside the boundaries of immediate family. And mom is at work struggling to make ends meet. Any present and available adult can be consumed by the great vacuum of parenting presence. A third point is that families are not in physical proximity to their closest extended family. Kin keeping needs to be shared, not just with husband-wife, by all the kin.

When we are close we can share. Simplify yourself out of debt to free up income; simplify expectations for income and how much stuff you have and how big a house you need to house the stuff. Cut back on the combined amount of work-outside-home and together prioritize who is on your kin-keeping list.

Post pregnancy my wife became very ill, battled for life for 4 years and died. I became caregiver to her and three pre-schoolers; kin keeper; and everything else. My wife was a super-achiever—and crisis forced all kinds of issues around life priorities.

Clarity about what matters is far more important than worrying too much about how to juggle more balls—and exactly who is juggling which balls. You think of tribe maintenance, we think of cave maintenance and safety. This is where being a Marine Conbat Vet kicks in. But I love doing all that stuff. I love my role as the husband, father, provider, protector and guardian. Some people complain about getting old, they should be so lucky, many are denied the privilege. Emily Jan 09, One of the things I valued in my husband when we were dating was his attention to things like remembering to send birthday cards and thank you notes.

I do keep track of doctors and classes, and household things like balanced meals, but I am a SAHM and feel those are my basic job requirements. Dan Jan 09, But my wife does a lot, too. She does those things because she values them. I buy the presents for the birthday parties, but she wraps them, because we have different often complimentary priorities. If you like to do that stuff, great, but seriously, what are the ramifications of forgetting to put your kid on the right outfit for the in-laws?

Unless your in-laws are jerks, not important. April Jan 09, I need an assistant, an on-call occasional man of the house, etc. Life goes on. I agree with the male reply. I let my husband see the lack of what his mother mostly did; it is not my strength to kin-keep as she does. Guess what? He stepped up.

Does he do it the same way? But when asked I tell people I let him father and I do the mothering.

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Our children will decide for themselves what fits their future desires to kin-keep based on our and other family examples. Roles are changing with the world. In the end how healthy is your partnership? Work on your relationships rather than external expectations. Heather Jan 10, The day to day stuff I have to do without him is what is hard, so I am just so great full for the time I get with him when he is home!

Also if you feel like you are micro managing, stop it, I have realized I have done this and have stopped and let my husband do things when he has wanted to. Without asking my husband he will get my daughter bathed and dressed without feeling like he is doing it wrong, thank your spouse when he does things to help. Rebecca Jan 10, Emma Jan 10, So very true…. Stephanie StClair Crissey Jan 10, But did the mom say which one to dress the child in?

Our husbands cannot read our minds. Who cares which outfit she has on? Hubby relieved some of the burden by dressing the child. Alice Jan 10, I can relate to this article. Things like maintenance of the car and property, and money management. In my household I did the kin keeping mentioned in the article as well as all of the things the men are chiming in about. My father-in-law would ask me about the maintenance of the car because he knew my husband would have no idea. Moving my brother-in-law out of the house and across the country at the same time. With my 3year old in tow.

I arranged his parents funerals as well. I take care of my 84 year old grandmother too. I also own and work my own out of the home business. My husband would do the dishes and take the garbage out and back from the curb. There was one year that I worked three jobs while he stayed home, unemployed. At any time in our relationship when he was unemployed I also made his resume and searched for and applied to the jobs for him. He would show up for the interviews.

It only made more work for me to get him to do things. By the time I spent my energy nagging and fixing it was easier to do it myself. Two weeks ago I told my husband that I wanted a divorce. Not the relationship that I want to have. Thank you for posting this article.

Comments (23)

Sybil Jan 10, Just as Debra Raver, I too have lost the Christmas spirit and find myself seeing it as well as birthdays, etc. I am 61 and caring for an ailing husband. I stay exhausted and always praying for God to help me get through each day. Advice to those who have husbands that do not help out: change it now. The balancing scales have never been even, as his day ended at 5 but mine never ended until I fell in the bed at night around 11 pm, worn to the bone.

Now, no kids at home, but nothing has changed. Kristy as Giftie Etcetera Jan 10, I almost cried reading this. It rings so true in my household. My husband splits childcare, working outside the home, and chores pretty equally. But kin keeping is all on my shoulders. Jenna Jan 10, This is such an amazing article.

I very rarely read an article that pins the nail on the head such as this!!! Thanks for giving a term to what this is. All too often my husband and I argue that I do more stuff, and even though it might be even in household work, this is probably the stuff that pushes my overwhelming day over the edge. So true! KLR Jan 11, Yes, a thousand thank yous for all of the things you do to keep our world running smoothly.

Changing air filters, getting new tires put on, mowing the yard, etc. Because I am not. But, both my husband and I do these necessary tasks to keep our family running. Things that only your immediate family sees and benefits from. Parents, Grandparents, aunts, uncles, adult siblings, cousins, you name it, these are the folks who benefit from kin keeping.

Is this antiquated? Probably yes. Are the gentlemen and others who have posted, correct in saying women do this to other women?

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So why do we still do it? Several reasons: We do it out of respect for the women of our family and community that have gone before us and sent us a Christmas card with their little kids, family pet or family photo on it. Those who made candy and chose our family along with 20 other families, but still to share it with. We do it out of compassion for our elderly relatives and neighbors whose peers are all slipping away.

What a burden to outlive our family and friends it must be. The things you once talked about with the people who were once there are no longer available conversation topics. We do it for our children and other kids too. Our kids may not know it now, but every single time a relative has the opportunity to interact with them, it makes a memory. One that can be talked about and shared for the rest of each participants life.

Kin Keeping is largely matriarchal—thus women are in charge. You know the one that birthed you, the ones that raised you, the one that made your wedding decorations, the ones that never let you forget any of this, take it up with them would be my parting advice. Barig22 Jan 11, I am one of those — do everything for others. I respect and find it necessary to kin-keep.

It is because I actually care to help make others feel good!


That is not a bad thing and, although stressful, I feel it can help on other sides of relationships. It is a huge cause to my lack of sleep but there is a greater positive affect. What would be helpful is not to THINK woman are necessarily micro-managing but rather pressuring themselves to be good caregivers…not, again, because we have to be validated but because it is a natural instinct for most.

I understand that stressing yourself out for gifts may not make sense to many but it DOES show others that you care enough about their time — the time teachers take to care, mold, protect and work for half the salary they deserve or dressing your child in that special outfit because IT DOES show you care that the gift-giver took the time to go out and get it! These seemingly minor, excessive or unnecessary things actually have an impact. These comments cause the very burden the article talks about!

THAT is a fact! After all, there are priorities! Sometimes it is what it is. Christian Leatham Jan 11, Great article focusing on the difficulties of maintaining schedules, tasks and more. I would like to add, however, with roles changing as they have over the recent years, more men are taking on these tasks and succeeding with flying colors.

I am, of course, biased in my statement. In addition, both my children are on extensive IEPS adding to the list of appointments. None of it is easy, but to write an article so gender focused just set custodial dads back 20 years. I will never take away from moms who are the strength and organizer of a family; it would be nice to possibly see a follow up article on men who tackle these roles as well.

Sharon Taber Jan 11, I always keep the stack of the previous years cards that I receive and put them with my box of Christmas cards and the next year only send cards to the people that bothered to send me one. My ask from my husband, get the address from his mother that we need his side of the family.